It's hard when you’re at school. Surrounded by some of the things you are trying to run away from. Trying time and time again to be better. To be the person you want to be. The person you know you should be, but constantly failing and not only letting yourself down, but the people who care about you.
The fact that you keep breaking your own rules and morals, the less it affects you. Already knowing that the consequences of your decisions are inevitable.
So starting from today. I will no longer do things I know I shouldn’t - not in the hopes to avoid judgment but because I know my limits and worth. I will no longer let my head control my heart. I will no longer allow the thoughts, opinions and voices of other people get to me.
Because I am strong. I am worthy of a life full of love, respect and authenticity. My family deserves a life full of love, respect and authenticity. And they can only truly have that until I change myself into the person I truly am.
I am not changing who I am, but solely removing bad habits so that I can become my authentic self.
A tightness in my chest. An ache in my stomach. A sudden drop in my face and posture, as I scroll through pictures of you and your perfect life. I marvel at your confidence and the beauty and simplicity of everything that you are. I begin to smile and my heart race quickens as you make me feel like a small part of your world - through your words, laughter and attention.
As quickly as you bring me up, I think about how I could never be as good as you. I bet myself up for not looking and being as perfect as you. Then you showed me a different part of you. The part of you who cries and feels down, just like everyone else. The part of you who is crazy and messy, but isn’t shy to hide it. You showed me that no one is perfect or has everything together.
I am lucky to have had you in my life. I am grateful for the way you lit up everyday we spoke. I am thankful for you showing me that self love is a journey and is challenging and different for everyone. And for teaching me to love myself when I thought I couldn’t.
Find confidence in yourself to be truly, authentically and unapologetically you then judgement won’t phase.
I work myself up just to let myself down. I create beautiful worlds in my mind and get high off the fairytale endings I play on repeat in my head. I give myself the giggles and rush from situations that are never put into fruition.
Far too often I find myself living in a life of make-believe; Dreaming amongst the stars, soaking up what it feels like to shine before I fall back down into reality.
Life doesn’t hand out knights in shining armor to take us away and sweep us off our feet. It doesn’t provide us with fairy godmothers to make our problems disappear when times get tough. It is through those feelings of loss, hardship and weakness that we find our inner strength and ideal happiness. Our fairytale endings. Because sometimes things get better when things get hard.
So live for the now and make your today a day worth living.